Big things can come in small packages. Take for instance the envelopes your bills come in. The standard everyday envelope
can harbor a bill so large so as to choke even the strongest and largest of mankind. Billionaires I am sure get bills in small
envelopes that look like the average person's lifetime earnings. Gemstones come in little itty bitty envelopes and you can just
imagine the very large cost associated with these.
Meals large enough to feed whole families can be dehydrated down to fit in a small space. Only a little water is needed to
unveil the large amount of food hidden there. Computers have been, in a word, dehydrated, and now a very small desktop
model has more capacity than one that years ago would have taken up a whole room. Our very essence, yes all our
knowledge, can now be stored on just a few micro chips. All that we are now resides along these electronic pathways.
Sitting there on the steps leading to the garage I noticed the onions Dad, my son and I had gleaned from a field on the way
home from hunting. Onions, although small, can have a very big affect on some people. What about the very small Jalepeno
pepper. It can literally burn the flesh of your mouth if you are not careful. Yes, some small things can be very powerful.
Yes, small things can be very powerful and smart and have a very big affect on you. Thus was my discovery when I came up
against "MASTER MOUSE." It was just a little mouse. Hardly worth worrying about! The problem was that I let it slip that I had
seen one in the garage. The high commander (my wife) ordered me to remove the vermin from the garage by any means
necessary. Little did I know our mouse watched movies and had learned a lot!
I now found myself sitting there on the steps with a can of gas next to me. I was contemplating burning the garage down so as
to accomplish my goal of eliminating that mouse. So thoroughly had this mouse demoralized me, that I was contemplating
such drastic matters. How had it come to this? Well I am glad that you asked! Let me just tell you.
While unpacking some boxes in the garage, I disturbed the home of this mouse. As I pulled some rope up out of this box, out
popped the mouse and he ran to the corner. I did not think anything of it at the time. Then the previous order was given to
bring the mouse to his demise. I made a trip to the hardware store and bought your average, everyday type of mousetrap.
There were many different types there on the counter. Boxes with holes in them, which trapped the mouse inside, thus
allowing you to later release the mouse in some field unharmed. Plastic traps that had the appearance of a device that the
doctor might put on your finger to read your pulse. There were the sticky traps that you are to put in the path of the mouse
and when he steps in them he can not remove his foot and is there staring at you with those beady eyes when you check on
the trap.
The shelf also contained many poisons that were reported to be fatal to a mouse when eaten. The problem was that if I could
have caught the mouse so as to feed him then I would have just killed him. I made my purchase of the standard trap which
come two to the pack. I thought this silly because I had only one mouse but I suppose that it is a slick marketing trick to sell
two traps instead of one.
When I got home I confidently put some peanut butter on the traps in the appropriate spot and set the traps. Yes, I decided to
use both traps, not wanting to waste my money. The high commander watched as I placed my traps. I confidently espoused
loudly about the small amount of time that I figured it would take to catch the mouse. Soon the metal wire would snap closed
on the head of the mouse.
Before I went to bed that night I stepped into the garage to get the mouse out of the trap and throw him away. Around some
boxes and over the tongue of the boat trailer I went to where I had set the trap. And sure enough, there was the mouse. I
could see the beady eyes of my quarry, and his long skinny tail. Short gray fur covered his body except along the tail. There
was peanut butter on his mouth and around the sides of his head.
The problem was that he was there starring back at me as he cleaned his face. All the peanut butter was gone and he was
asking for more. The traps were as clean as if I had just taken them out of the package. When it was apparent to the mouse
that I was not going to put more peanut butter on the traps he left.
Ok, so I had not set the traps with a light enough touch. More peanut butter was gobbed on the traps. Then I reset the traps to
the point where they were just as likely to be set off by the stray speck of dust as by the hated mouse. Off to bed I went feeling
confident that in the morning I would find that steel wire had met gray fur with the appropriate deadly force.
All during the night I kept thinking I heard the snapping of the trap. How this was possible to hear from my bedroom I am not
sure. I suppose I could have been dreaming but who knows. Dream I did about the glory of finding that mouse smashed with
blood leaking from all his bodily orifices. It was hard to sleep. Sort of like the way it is before the opening of a hunting season.
The next morning I broke one of the house rules in my haste to check the traps. We are not supposed to venture forth into the
garage without sandals or shoes. Dirty feet mean dirty carpets, but I was willing to endure the wrath of the high commander
just to see that dead mouse. Around the boxes and over the tongue of the boat trailer I went to check the trap. Slowly I peered
around the crab traps and what did I see? Mouse traps with no peanut butter. I was devastated!
Off to the hardware store I went in a hurry. This time I bought the sticky mouse traps. I put peanut butter in the middle of each
and arranged them in the likely pathway of the intended victim, as per instructions on the side of the box. I knew at this point
that I had a serious problem because I was actually reading the instructions. I had to leave for work and could not sit there and
stare at the traps waiting for the mouse to appear, as I would have liked to do.
Later that day I arrived home and proceeded directly to the garage. There sat the glue traps and of course the peanut butter
was gone. There was something left on the traps though, but I had to get closer to see what it was. Upon further inspection I
discovered that the mouse had left me a message. Yes, it was a very clever mouse. There on the glue arranged in a
haphazard manner were several droppings of the mouse. I took this very personally, until I figured out that the mouse had
used these droppings as stepping stones to get to the peanut butter in the middle of the traps.
That night the high commander had a very bad dream. She awoke abruptly and started talking about the Master Mouse we
had living in the house. She was sure that it had made it into the house and was eating all the food that we had stored there. It
took some time to get her calmed down.
I made another attempt to catch the mouse the next morning. I arranged the two wire traps end to end and then put the two
glue traps along side of those. My thinking was that now there would be no way to get at the peanut butter without tripping or
stepping into something.
Later I found that the peanut butter was still there. The mouse was clever enough to know that it has met its match. Now it just
wonders around the garage and eats other things. The High Commander heard it in some of her plant things in the garage, so
I know it is still with us.
That is what led up to me sitting there with the can of gas. Sanity did take hold though and now I am slowly covering the
whole floor with traps. Just to be sure of Master Mouse's demise, I am throwing in a bunch of poison just for insurance. I have
also taken to sitting on the steps with the shotgun hoping for a glimpse of Master Mouse.
can harbor a bill so large so as to choke even the strongest and largest of mankind. Billionaires I am sure get bills in small
envelopes that look like the average person's lifetime earnings. Gemstones come in little itty bitty envelopes and you can just
imagine the very large cost associated with these.
Meals large enough to feed whole families can be dehydrated down to fit in a small space. Only a little water is needed to
unveil the large amount of food hidden there. Computers have been, in a word, dehydrated, and now a very small desktop
model has more capacity than one that years ago would have taken up a whole room. Our very essence, yes all our
knowledge, can now be stored on just a few micro chips. All that we are now resides along these electronic pathways.
Sitting there on the steps leading to the garage I noticed the onions Dad, my son and I had gleaned from a field on the way
home from hunting. Onions, although small, can have a very big affect on some people. What about the very small Jalepeno
pepper. It can literally burn the flesh of your mouth if you are not careful. Yes, some small things can be very powerful.
Yes, small things can be very powerful and smart and have a very big affect on you. Thus was my discovery when I came up
against "MASTER MOUSE." It was just a little mouse. Hardly worth worrying about! The problem was that I let it slip that I had
seen one in the garage. The high commander (my wife) ordered me to remove the vermin from the garage by any means
necessary. Little did I know our mouse watched movies and had learned a lot!
I now found myself sitting there on the steps with a can of gas next to me. I was contemplating burning the garage down so as
to accomplish my goal of eliminating that mouse. So thoroughly had this mouse demoralized me, that I was contemplating
such drastic matters. How had it come to this? Well I am glad that you asked! Let me just tell you.
While unpacking some boxes in the garage, I disturbed the home of this mouse. As I pulled some rope up out of this box, out
popped the mouse and he ran to the corner. I did not think anything of it at the time. Then the previous order was given to
bring the mouse to his demise. I made a trip to the hardware store and bought your average, everyday type of mousetrap.
There were many different types there on the counter. Boxes with holes in them, which trapped the mouse inside, thus
allowing you to later release the mouse in some field unharmed. Plastic traps that had the appearance of a device that the
doctor might put on your finger to read your pulse. There were the sticky traps that you are to put in the path of the mouse
and when he steps in them he can not remove his foot and is there staring at you with those beady eyes when you check on
the trap.
The shelf also contained many poisons that were reported to be fatal to a mouse when eaten. The problem was that if I could
have caught the mouse so as to feed him then I would have just killed him. I made my purchase of the standard trap which
come two to the pack. I thought this silly because I had only one mouse but I suppose that it is a slick marketing trick to sell
two traps instead of one.
When I got home I confidently put some peanut butter on the traps in the appropriate spot and set the traps. Yes, I decided to
use both traps, not wanting to waste my money. The high commander watched as I placed my traps. I confidently espoused
loudly about the small amount of time that I figured it would take to catch the mouse. Soon the metal wire would snap closed
on the head of the mouse.
Before I went to bed that night I stepped into the garage to get the mouse out of the trap and throw him away. Around some
boxes and over the tongue of the boat trailer I went to where I had set the trap. And sure enough, there was the mouse. I
could see the beady eyes of my quarry, and his long skinny tail. Short gray fur covered his body except along the tail. There
was peanut butter on his mouth and around the sides of his head.
The problem was that he was there starring back at me as he cleaned his face. All the peanut butter was gone and he was
asking for more. The traps were as clean as if I had just taken them out of the package. When it was apparent to the mouse
that I was not going to put more peanut butter on the traps he left.
Ok, so I had not set the traps with a light enough touch. More peanut butter was gobbed on the traps. Then I reset the traps to
the point where they were just as likely to be set off by the stray speck of dust as by the hated mouse. Off to bed I went feeling
confident that in the morning I would find that steel wire had met gray fur with the appropriate deadly force.
All during the night I kept thinking I heard the snapping of the trap. How this was possible to hear from my bedroom I am not
sure. I suppose I could have been dreaming but who knows. Dream I did about the glory of finding that mouse smashed with
blood leaking from all his bodily orifices. It was hard to sleep. Sort of like the way it is before the opening of a hunting season.
The next morning I broke one of the house rules in my haste to check the traps. We are not supposed to venture forth into the
garage without sandals or shoes. Dirty feet mean dirty carpets, but I was willing to endure the wrath of the high commander
just to see that dead mouse. Around the boxes and over the tongue of the boat trailer I went to check the trap. Slowly I peered
around the crab traps and what did I see? Mouse traps with no peanut butter. I was devastated!
Off to the hardware store I went in a hurry. This time I bought the sticky mouse traps. I put peanut butter in the middle of each
and arranged them in the likely pathway of the intended victim, as per instructions on the side of the box. I knew at this point
that I had a serious problem because I was actually reading the instructions. I had to leave for work and could not sit there and
stare at the traps waiting for the mouse to appear, as I would have liked to do.
Later that day I arrived home and proceeded directly to the garage. There sat the glue traps and of course the peanut butter
was gone. There was something left on the traps though, but I had to get closer to see what it was. Upon further inspection I
discovered that the mouse had left me a message. Yes, it was a very clever mouse. There on the glue arranged in a
haphazard manner were several droppings of the mouse. I took this very personally, until I figured out that the mouse had
used these droppings as stepping stones to get to the peanut butter in the middle of the traps.
That night the high commander had a very bad dream. She awoke abruptly and started talking about the Master Mouse we
had living in the house. She was sure that it had made it into the house and was eating all the food that we had stored there. It
took some time to get her calmed down.
I made another attempt to catch the mouse the next morning. I arranged the two wire traps end to end and then put the two
glue traps along side of those. My thinking was that now there would be no way to get at the peanut butter without tripping or
stepping into something.
Later I found that the peanut butter was still there. The mouse was clever enough to know that it has met its match. Now it just
wonders around the garage and eats other things. The High Commander heard it in some of her plant things in the garage, so
I know it is still with us.
That is what led up to me sitting there with the can of gas. Sanity did take hold though and now I am slowly covering the
whole floor with traps. Just to be sure of Master Mouse's demise, I am throwing in a bunch of poison just for insurance. I have
also taken to sitting on the steps with the shotgun hoping for a glimpse of Master Mouse.
Rod & Ent Mortuaries
Serving the little ones in our world
11621 Field Drive
Rodent Haven, Wa 98338
August 10, 2005
Dear Sir or Madam:
We regret to inform you of the recent passing of Master Mouse, also known as
Master Mickey. Be assured that his passing was swift and painful. You all know
of his insatiable and often unhealthy appetite for peanut butter. It was his down
fall. He died face down in the stuff.
The family has requested that no flowers be sent. No funeral will be performed.
Master Mickey has already been laid to rest in the nearest trash bag.
Sincerely,
Tracker Putnam
Trapper Extraordinaire
Serving the little ones in our world
11621 Field Drive
Rodent Haven, Wa 98338
August 10, 2005
Dear Sir or Madam:
We regret to inform you of the recent passing of Master Mouse, also known as
Master Mickey. Be assured that his passing was swift and painful. You all know
of his insatiable and often unhealthy appetite for peanut butter. It was his down
fall. He died face down in the stuff.
The family has requested that no flowers be sent. No funeral will be performed.
Master Mickey has already been laid to rest in the nearest trash bag.
Sincerely,
Tracker Putnam
Trapper Extraordinaire
Mouse Movie
Iam Vermin Production Studios Press Release: November 1, 2000
We are writing to inform you of the upcoming full-length motion picture detailing the sad and
tragic life of Master Mouse. The story will detail his early days as a helpless, hairless, pink, ugly
thing to his oh-so-short adolescent years where he ran through lovely fields of grass. Our hearts
will swell with joy as we attend the wedding of Squeaky and Minnie. Of course, this story wouldn't
be complete without the terrifying event that took place in early 2000. Imagine the horror as this
calm, picturesque field becomes a battleground of bulldozers and various other heavy machinery.
We will wipe a tear as we witness Squeaky's family systematically destroyed by careless,
conservative Republicans with no regard for the environment; building houses for humans no less!
We will cheer as Minnie escapes to Nevada at this dangerous time. We will be shocked as we
witness Squeaky's exposure to a toxic Pepsi spill that mutates him into Master Mouse. We will be
thrilled as we discover Master's super-vermin powers which gives his fur a non-stick covering and
makes his body non-gravitational allowing him to escape mouse traps set by the malicious home
owner. Alas, this story doesn't have a happy ending. As Master Mouse realizes his life will never
be normal, he throws himself into a pool of peanut butter and wills the arm of the mouse trap onto
his unresisting body. The part of Master Mouse will be played by Jerry of "Tom and Jerry" fame.
The part of Minnie will be played by Poisin Ivy--a newcomer. You will remember her father Itchy
from the world-renowned "Itchy and Scratchy Show". Please join us for the premier of "From
Squeaky to Master: The Rise and Fall of One of the Smallest Among us." on November 4, 2000.
Immediately following the premier you are invited to attend a benefit for Proposition153 which will
ensure that this tragedy never occurs to another mouse by demanding that all men walk on tiptoes
to guarantee that no rodent is ever disturbed by humans again!
Iam Vermin Production Studios Press Release: November 1, 2000
We are writing to inform you of the upcoming full-length motion picture detailing the sad and
tragic life of Master Mouse. The story will detail his early days as a helpless, hairless, pink, ugly
thing to his oh-so-short adolescent years where he ran through lovely fields of grass. Our hearts
will swell with joy as we attend the wedding of Squeaky and Minnie. Of course, this story wouldn't
be complete without the terrifying event that took place in early 2000. Imagine the horror as this
calm, picturesque field becomes a battleground of bulldozers and various other heavy machinery.
We will wipe a tear as we witness Squeaky's family systematically destroyed by careless,
conservative Republicans with no regard for the environment; building houses for humans no less!
We will cheer as Minnie escapes to Nevada at this dangerous time. We will be shocked as we
witness Squeaky's exposure to a toxic Pepsi spill that mutates him into Master Mouse. We will be
thrilled as we discover Master's super-vermin powers which gives his fur a non-stick covering and
makes his body non-gravitational allowing him to escape mouse traps set by the malicious home
owner. Alas, this story doesn't have a happy ending. As Master Mouse realizes his life will never
be normal, he throws himself into a pool of peanut butter and wills the arm of the mouse trap onto
his unresisting body. The part of Master Mouse will be played by Jerry of "Tom and Jerry" fame.
The part of Minnie will be played by Poisin Ivy--a newcomer. You will remember her father Itchy
from the world-renowned "Itchy and Scratchy Show". Please join us for the premier of "From
Squeaky to Master: The Rise and Fall of One of the Smallest Among us." on November 4, 2000.
Immediately following the premier you are invited to attend a benefit for Proposition153 which will
ensure that this tragedy never occurs to another mouse by demanding that all men walk on tiptoes
to guarantee that no rodent is ever disturbed by humans again!
Master Mouse
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